Speedles Secret part 3
by SpeedsGirl4eva
Summary: please let me know what you think as Im still rather new to this....still has referance to self harm..... also represed memories of sexual abuse.. just to let you know chapter 5 was written by Bola.
1. 1 year on!

Hey I'm back…….(been nearly a year and I still haven't kicked that really annoying habit!!!!!!)

Any way……. Like I said it's been nearly a year and I've finally manage to come off my meds completely!!!! Yay!!! Still have to see a psychiatrist every 2 weeks but other than that… oh and I've stopped cutting too… I m so proud of myself……

If a year ago you asked me if I ever thought this was possible I'd have said No… but then again I didn't realise just how important and caring my fellow friends are….. Without Alexx, Horatio and the rest of the gang I probably wouldn't be here now.

Well I don't really have time to hang around and chat… (No I don't have to go work I got the day off) I'm going on a kind of date (no I won't tell you who she is) just that she is Special….

Talk to you Later…. Speed x


	2. Friendship or More?

Tim, are you ok? Calleigh asked quietly, "Erm yeah Cal I'm fine why?, "Well you just seem really quiet which isn't like you, and I got worried" "Cal honestly I'm fine there's nothing to worry about, I'm quiet cuz I'm nervous…..you see I haven't felt the way that you are making me feel right this minute for a long time… and I'm scared I'll you know…"know what Tim? "Mess it all up, and I REALLY don't want to do that… I guess what I'm trying to say Cal is that I think I'm falling in love with you…!"Speed could feel himself blushing the moment the words left his mouth…

Calleigh couldn't help herself and gave a little laugh….."Aww Tim that's gotta be the nicest thing you've ever said to me….outside of work anyway, I'll let you into a little secret to…I think I'm falling in love with you to.." Speed looked up, and glanced across the table directly at the 1 person in the world that he really didn't think would be interested in a guy like him... After all not many girls …sorry women have stuck around once they uncovered his dirty secret... But he knew form the very start that Calleigh was different and he was looking to forward to finding out more…….


	3. Beautiful

Hey Diary….

Had a great evening yesterday…… Like I said she's special…. (Have you guessed who it is yet?)

No well I guess I'll tell you…. I'm seeing Calleigh…..

I never EVER believed that any one would be interested in me... Not after my secret was exposed any way but Calliegh's different… she's kind, caring, and very very beautiful… (Especially when she gets caught in the rain and her hair goes frizzy)

Well I gotta go as I've got to see the psych today… I'll keep you posted….

Speed xx


	4. Hypnotism

Hello Tim, I hope you don't mind but I thought we'd try some repressed memory therapy today…." Speed looked abit confused of which the Dr soon picked up on" Tim its ok It just means that I'm going t hypnotize you and ask you questions about your past… the idea is to get you to remember and talk about memories and feelings that you have locked away.. They might be what are causing your relapses; would that be ok with you?" Tim nodded and the Dr continued.

After about 10 minutes Tim heard someone asking if he knew who he was and where he was….there was silence before Tim finally answered. "My Name is Timothy Speedle …. I have a secret that nobody must ever find out about because he said that if anyone finds out then they'll all hate me and blame me for breaking the secret…….

"What secret… what is so bad that people will hate and blame you for. I promise that if you expose this secret then nobody will blame you, will you tell me the secret?

I hurt myself because dad doesn't really love me… he just hurts me….. It's not just the physical and mental pain he inflicts its more than just kicks and punches and nasty words….. He... He …. (Tim starts to cry)

I don't want to repeat what it is that he does….. It hurts too much... He started when I was 9... he said that it was what all fathers did to show their sons that they love them… but he got violent if I told him No and to leave me alone so he used to beat me up,, usually to the point of unconsciousness and do it anyway…… He used to tell me that if I told anybody about 'Our Little Secret' then the attacks would be more frequent and more painful so I kept quiet... for years I self Harmed to numb the pain… I managed to tell my work colleagues and my boss about my secret well the cutting and beating part any way… but I haven't told them about the …….sexual abuse.. I cant they'll think I deserved it somehow…. It was bad enough opening u about the other stuff but not this…. He's still alive if he finds out I talked he'll carry out his promise and I can't take that anymore…….

'1, 2, 3 Tim Wake up please……


	5. Moving On

Speed woke up to a slightly darker room than he had drifted off to. His chocolate brown eyes needed to adjust to the rays of darkness making their way inside as he tried to take in his surroundings. Some kind of concern was brittly lying on his psychiatrist's face, he thought. "What did I say?" he asked, remembering everything at once.

The psychiatrist took just a little while to reply. "Did you tell anyone else about your father sexually abusing you?"

Speed tried to answer a few times promising, then just stood up and walked out, saying, "Bad idea.

"Hello?" Speed said, right as the front door fell in the locker behind him, picking up his cell phone to hear Calleigh's voice on the other end. "Tim? Are you alright?" she sounded. Speed sighed internally. "Yeah, I'm fine," he lied, his one hand going to his forehead as he just realised he was having a huge head-ache.

"You're not," Calleigh stated, knowing him all too well after so many years of being co-workers. "Do you want me to come over and try and make you feel better?"

"Calleigh. Don't, okay? I'm fine. I promise."

"Alright. Then you wouldn't mind me coming over to check so for myself. See you in ten minutes."

Speed groaned

"Tim?" Calleigh's voice sounded through the white front foor of his apartment. He tried not to listen. He had warned her not to take the effort to come over, and still she hadn't listened and now stood there banging on his door. "Tim, please... Do you want me to start screaming?"

Speed groaned, getting up to turn the golden key in the locker and let her in without saying a word, the front door neatly closing behind her. Her emerald green eyes captured his in the moment he turned around to her. "I told him," Speed blurted out, breaking under her too concerned glare. "About dad. I told him how dad in what kind of ways dad used hurt me."

He saw the younger blonde taking a deep breath and knew she knew. She cautiously deepened the contact between them and leaned up on her toes to wrap her arms around him. Instinctively, he did the same and sighed. He couldn't let her see him cry. She leant back. "Did you ever tell anyone else?" she asked.

Speed let out an ironical breath at the same question his psychiatrist had asked him nearly an hour before. "No," he replied now.

"It fucked up everything, Cal," he said, pushing her away from him and sinking down on his couch. She joined him and sat on its arm. "Well... Not literally," Tim continued. "I'm _30_ for dear sake and I'm a _virgin_! While Eric sleeps with another girl every week!"

"Shh," Calleigh soothed, laying a gentle hand on his arm, getting up to sit on his lap and look at him. "That's what makes you even cuter to me," she smirked, leaning in carefully to let her lips brush against hers, him breaking apart from her in a need to explain. "I can't do it, Cal. I can't imagine doing the same to you as what my dad did to me."

"It doesn't have to hurt," Calleigh whispered, looking at him with passionate green eyes, taking his larger hands in her small ones and holding them. Simply. "Let me help you."


	6. The Night after The Nighgt Before!

Hey………

This week been tough……. First I came round form what seemed to be a long deep sleep only to remember that I'd been hypnotized to get access to my repressed memories (there was a reason they were repressed…. I didn't want to remember them!!!!) Anyway I could tell by the look on my psychiatrists face that I'd remembered and talked about the sexual abuse inflicted on me by dad……..bad idea!!!!! Then I received an innocent call on my cell form Calliegh all she did was ask if I was ok.. and if it was ok for hr to drop by my apartment but I snapped at her for no reason…(what was I thinking) anyway… she came round to see me and I was reluctant to open the door and let her in until she threatened to start screaming (we cant be having that now can we)

I didn't want her to see that I was upset and feeling uneasy about the day so far ( let alone allow her to see me cry) so I tried to act normal (fat lot of use that was.. as she saw straight through it!!!) So I … I let her in on the festering ugly scary part/reason behind my whole self harming issue. I told her about the abuse and that I was a virgin still because of it, (this is how I know she is different) she sat down and told me that it was ok, that it was going to be ok and that sex between 2 people doesn't always have to hurt….. I was shy to begin with (and extremely scared) but she helped me and guided me... but there was a problem to begin with…you see each time she touched me…I froze….because all that I could see at this point was dad…and what HE did. So I pulled away…. (Frustrating) but Calliegh as always had the patience of a saint…(a beautiful one at that) after about 5 flashbacks (and a few tears) I finally managed to give myself over to her…..She was really gentle (nothing like the way dad used to do it 2 me) she kept asking if I was ok….. and guiding me through it, reassuring me that I wasn't hurting her (I was afraid that I'd hurt her like HE hurt me) but she was positive that I wasn't (Reassuring to hear) any way to be honest I don't really remember much as I must have had another flashback which I'm guessing knocked me for six as all I remember from then is waking up to Calleigh asking if I was ok? I'm still not as confident about it all, but I've been reassured that confidence will grow over time….. Well I guess I'll have to wait and see…..

I'm going to have to leave you know as I really need to grab a shower... I've got to be at the Lab in 20 minutes…… (Don't think I'm going to make it!!)

Take Care, Speak soon…

Speed xxxx


End file.
